## How it started
Growing up, you learned that expressing your authentic thoughts and feelings was dangerous—there was little room for questions, emotions, or your own personality to emerge 🚫. Rules and control dominated everything, and you discovered that the safest strategy was to become the "perfect" child on the outside while hiding your real thoughts and feelings where they couldn't get you in trouble.  Speaking up meant risking harsh consequences, so you became a master at `self-censorship`.<br><br>
## How it shows up in relationships
On dates, you walk on eggshells. You find yourself *filtering your own thoughts, feelings, and expressions* to avoid triggering potential negative reactions from your date or partner 🤐. You rehearse conversations and scenarios in your head, trying to predict every possible reaction before speaking or acting. You over-explain simple choices, requests and decisions because your early experiences taught you to expect that every one of your wishes would be scrutinized and likely rejected. Your feelings feel too dangerous to express—they might be turned against you or dismissed entirely. The anticipation of judgment or rejection leads you to *hide important parts of yourself, core needs and concerns*, never permitting yourself complete transparency with your partner 💔.<br><br>
## The core pattern
*At your core, you question whether it's truly safe to be yourself*—carrying the belief that authentic self-expression leads to rejection. You follow the rule: *"If I want to be loved, I must perform perfectly."* So you either avoid sharing your real opinions entirely or exhaust yourself by pretending to be who you think your partner wants you to be. The voice of harsh judgment in your head sounds suspiciously like your hypervigilant caregiver, criticizing your choices and questioning your intelligence and competence. Free and authentic self-expression still feels risky and frightening. *Even in bed, you can't stop performing.* You play the role of the eager lover when you're tired, the satisfied partner when you're numb, the fantasy fulfiller when you'd rather just be held. Your real self watches from a distance while your body goes through the motions. The real tragedy is, you've become so skilled at mirroring what your partner needs that you've lost touch with who you actually are 🎭.

When Opening Up Feels Dangerous

The Performer

Discrimination based on sexual orientation

Discrimination based on socio-economic status

Family history of stigma due to race, caste, class, or disability

Fear-based or authoritarian parenting style

Parental immigration stress (undocumented status, fear of deportation)

Scolding, verbal abuse, put-downs in the family

Systemic discrimination of the family based on ethnicity, background, religion

Unrequited love, rejection by another peer

Tools & Learning

Reviews for "The Performer "

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