## How it started
Growing up, the people who were supposed to be your safe harbor were unreliable—promises were broken, care came with conditions, and kindness often had hidden price tags attached 🏷️. Your parents' love felt like a moving target, available one moment and withdrawn the next, teaching you that *counting on others leads to inevitable disappointment*. You learned to protect yourself by `automatic distrust`, developing an early warning system that scanned for the catch, the manipulation, or the moment when their support would evaporate 💨. This hypervigilance around others' motives became your shield 🛡️. You became incredibly skilled at detecting insincerity and spotting red flags 🚩 that others completely miss, protecting yourself from the crushing disappointment of unmet expectations 😞.<br><br>
## How it looks now
Now you find yourself *automatically questioning genuine care and support*, even from partners who have proven themselves trustworthy over time 🤔. When your partner does something thoughtful, part of you immediately wonders what they want in return or when they'll use this kindness against you. Partners who are overly caring feel "too good to be true"—your nervous system interprets excessive kindness as either `love-bombing` (they're trying to make you their sucker) or evidence that they're naive suckers themselves who don't see the "real" you yet. Either way feels dangerous: predators will eventually exploit you, and naive people will abandon you once they discover your flaws. Compliments feel suspicious—you've learned that praise often comes packaged with manipulation, guilt, or shame, so your nervous system treats positive feedback as potential danger 🚨. *You struggle to accept stability at face value*, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the hidden trap to reveal itself, or for your partner to suddenly change the rules of engagement.<br><br>
## How this shows up in relationships
You find yourself attracted to partners who are emotionally unavailable, selfish, or just not very nice people—because at least they feel "authentic" and "real" 💯. You might think you know what you're getting—their flaws are obvious and predictable. When someone's kind of an asshole, but they're upfront about it, you know where you stand. There's no wondering what they "really" want or when they might turn on you. *Hope feels dangerous* because hoping means becoming vulnerable to disappointment, and disappointment has historically felt devastating 💸. You find yourself *keeping your expectations deliberately low* as a form of emotional insurance—if you don't expect much, you can't be crushed when things inevitably go wrong. The irony is that your protective skepticism sometimes becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, creating distance ↔️ in relationships with people who genuinely care about you. Your partner may feel constantly tested, unable to earn the trust that your childhood has taught you was too risky to give.
## Sex / Intimacy
Even in the bedroom, your radar never fully switches off 📡. Sex becomes another arena where you're scanning for hidden agendas, wondering what they *really* want from this intimacy. Are they being loving because they want something later? Is this passion genuine or just another performance? 🎭 Your mind stays partially switched on during the most vulnerable moments, analyzing their every touch and moan for signs of manipulation. When things feel too good, alarm bells start ringing 🚨. You constantly question whether their desire is real—*Are they actually into me, or are they faking it?* This doubt can drive you to test them: withholding affection to see if they'll chase, or sabotaging intimate moments to check if they'll stick around when things get difficult. Part of you is always scanning for signs they're cheating on you or losing interest. Rather than acting jealous, you're more like a cold investigator looking for signs and collecting evidence. *When I find proof they've been cheating on me, at least I'll have been right.* You'd rather know where you stand with someone who's honestly selfish and keeps things non-exclusive than be fooled by someone pretending to want just you. The cruel irony is that your protection system, designed to keep you safe from users and fakers, ends up pushing away the very people who might actually love you without an agenda. You're so busy looking for the con that you turn away the genuine connection right in front of you.

When Good Things Feel Like a Trap

The Skeptic

Parent who experienced domestic violence as a child

Parent who experienced exploitation as a child

Parent who experienced loss of a parent as a child

Parent who experienced neglect as a child

Parent who experienced parental abandonment as a child

Parent who experienced sexual abuse as a child

Parent who experienced violence, assault, rape

Parent who was institutionalized or placed in foster care as a child

Scolding, verbal abuse, put-downs in the family

Tools & Learning

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