## How It Started
Police were the people who handcuffed your parent and took them away from you—not the protectors other kids might have seen them as 👮🏻‍♂️. You learned early that calling the cops meant your family might get destroyed, not helped. Courtrooms and government offices became hostile territory where your family might get torn apart and abused, not places where justice happened. Your *survival instincts became incredibly sharp* because you had to learn who you could safely tell your truth to—people who looked like you and your family and understood your world. This created a cruel equation in your nervous system: People who understood your world couldn't protect you, and people who could protect you didn't understand your world. Your brain learned to seek safety in shared secrets rather than actual security. You learned to trust others from similar troubled backgrounds—people who wouldn't judge your family or call the authorities, but who often couldn't keep you truly safe either. **You became skilled at finding people you could trust with your secrets**, but this came at a cost—the people safe to confide in were often unsafe to depend on for real protection. 🔐
 
## How It Looks Now
Now you find yourself drawn to partners you can be honest with about your past, but who may bring their own chaos and danger into your life 🌋. You're comfortable sharing your truth with people from similar backgrounds, but struggle when those same people can't provide the stability and safety you need. You have trouble knowing when someone who understands your story is actually good for your wellbeing. When relationship conflicts arise, you feel torn between staying with people who "get" you and seeking safety with people who might judge your history. You've developed **remarkable skills for building authentic connections with complex people**, but often at the expense of your own security.
 
## The Core Pattern
At your core, you're trapped in a loyalty test no one can pass: 
- Criminal partners prove love by keeping secrets but recreate danger 
- Safe partners prove love by accepting your past but trigger betrayal fears
##
Your nervous system rewards you for choosing the devil you know.
## 
You've got incredible ability to *create deep bonds with people who experienced hardships* and can love others through their worst moments 💪. You can see beyond someone's surface behaviors to their *underlying pain and potential*. But this wisdom came at a devastating cost: you learned that being able to trust someone and being emotionally safe never come from the same person. The cruel irony is that your gift for connecting with authentic, yet troubled people often leaves you surrounded by those who can't provide the protection and stability you seek. As much as you try to meet your need for acceptance at the expense of your need for safety, that can never succeed.

When finding acceptance means gambling with safety

## Signs you might relate to this dating style:
> - You always check if new partners would call the cops on your family
>
> - You're attracted to people with criminal pasts who "get" your world
>
> - Stable relationships feel fake or like you're betraying your roots
>
> - Friends worry you tolerate too much danger in relationships
>
> - You feel most connected when sharing illegal family stories
>
> - You avoid dating people who work normal jobs or have clean records
>
> - You make excuses for partners' illegal behavior
>
> - You feel like you and your partner are "outlaws together"

## How it started:
> - Police took family members away instead of protecting you
>
> - You learned early that authorities make things worse, not better
>
> - You found safety with other "street" people who understood the rules

## You attract:
> - **The Criminal Confidant**: They need your street wisdom to validate their choices, but their lifestyle keeps you in constant legal danger
>
> - **The Undercover Tourist**: They romanticize your background for authenticity thrills, but will bail when consequences get real
>
> - **The Reformed But Not Really**: They claim to have left the life but still test your loyalty to old codes
>
> Your nervous system relaxes around these partners because they prove your survival math works - they'll never make you choose between safety and betrayal

## Who you're drawn to:
> - **The Ride-or-Die Criminal**: They'll never call the cops, but their lifestyle keeps you in constant danger
>
> - **The "Reformed" Bad Boy/Girl**: They claim to have left the life but still romanticize it
>
> - **The Fascinated Outsider**: They're drawn to your "street cred" but will bail when things get real
>
> - You mistake shared secrets for real trust, and safety for "selling out"

## Core pattern:
> - You believe safe people will turn you in, so you choose loyalty over safety
>
> - You create deep bonds through shared secrets, but this keeps you in danger

## What healthy attraction looks like:
> - Someone who's been through it but chose a safer path - they get it without repeating it
>
> - Partners who protect you without making you choose between safety and loyalty
>
> - Relationships where you don't have to hide your past or glorify it
>
> - People who respect your roots but won't take you back to dangerous places

Safe to Tell, Unsafe to Live With

Parent constantly in trouble with the law

Parent involved in illegal or criminal activities

Tools & Learning

🔐 Safe to Tell, Unsafe to Live With: When finding acceptance means gambling with safety

Community Posts