Traumadater

🪞 The Mirror: When You're a Master at Meeting Others' Needs

Signs you might relate to this dating style:

  • You automatically change how you act to match who you're with

  • People call you "too nice" or say you "people-please"

  • You feel uncomfortable when asked "What do you want?"

  • Relationships feel safer when you have a clear role (caretaker, problem-solver, etc.)

  • You're great at fixing partners' problems but hide your own

  • You worry people would leave if they saw the "real" you

  • Sex feels stressful unless you know exactly what your partner wants

How it started:

  • As a kid, love depended on being useful (good grades, calming fights, etc.)

  • You became an expert at reading moods and meeting needs

  • Your real feelings/preferences got buried to keep the peace

  • You learned safety came from performing, not being yourself

You attract:

  • The Role Assigner: They need you to be their perfect caretaker/cheerleader/therapist but get uncomfortable when you have your own needs

  • The Critic: Their impossible standards give you endless projects to prove your worth, but you'll never actually satisfy them

  • The Chaos Creator: Their problems keep you busy performing your helper role while avoiding your own emptiness

  • The Authenticity Avoider: They prefer your performance because your real emotions would trigger their own buried feelings

Your nervous system relaxes around these partners because they prove your survival math works—love comes through being useful, and showing your real self means abandonment

Who you're drawn to:

  • The Brutally Honest: They say exactly what they think, representing the authentic self-expression you've never allowed yourself

  • The Demanding Perfectionist: Their high standards give you a clear performance to master, but you'll never feel good enough

  • The Hot Mess: Their chaos keeps you focused on fixing them instead of facing your own buried needs and feelings

  • The Emotionally Unavailable: Their distance feels safe because they won't ask you to be real—just useful

You mistake being needed for being loved—but really, they're just addicted to your performance while avoiding their own emotional work

Core pattern:

  • You protect yourself by being indispensable, but this keeps others from ever knowing (or loving) the real you

What healthy attraction looks like:

  • Someone who asks "How do you feel?" and actually waits for the answer

  • Partners who love your quiet moments as much as your helpful ones

  • Relationships where you can say "I don't know what I want" without panic

  • People who appreciate your care but don't require it to love you

  • Connections where your value isn't tied to your usefulness