How It Started

Growing up, your parent constantly reframed and redefined your reality, making you unsure about your own understanding of events, questioning your own memories, and uncertain about your own feelings 🤯. When you said you were hurt, they told you not to be a wuss—"it don't hurt that bad". When you remembered something clearly, they insisted you were confused, exaggerating it or simply making it up. In the shadows of their gaslighting, your developing mind learned that your version of events was inherently unreliable—that the adults around you were the ultimate arbiters of what was true, right and real and what wasn't 🧑‍⚖️. This systematic undermining of your perception became your survival adaptation—you learned to constantly check your reality against others' versions to avoid being "wrong" again. Your ability to read other people's perspectives and adapt to their versions of reality became a protective superpower 💪, helping you navigate a world where your own inner compass had been systematically destroyed.

But this came at a devastating cost. Your developing mind learned that connection meant never pressing your own opinions, that your perceptions were shaky and needed constant double-checking. When your parent voiced their take on your friends or teachers, you learned to just shrug and say "Whatever"—that was safer than arguing your point and risking a fight over something as "trivial" as having your own opinion. You discovered that keeping the peace required keeping your thoughts to yourself. This became your gift—you became incredibly skilled at hearing other people's opinions and seeing both sides of the story, sometimes adopting polar opposite opinions on the same issue as if they were your own. What seemed like flexibility and impartiality to you, meant sacrificing your inner compass. You traded away your ability to trust your own judgment in exchange for not risking being called "crazy, dramatic, extreme, overreacting or wrong" 🧭.

How This Shows Up In Relationships

Now you find yourself magnetically drawn to partners with strong, confident inner compasses—but not just any confident people. You unconsciously seek partners who are specifically unable to validate multiple perspectives, but who seem to be able to validate yours. These are the people who see the world in black and white, who are decisive to the point of being inflexible ✊. This isn't coincidence—your childhood wound is drawn to recreate the exact dynamic that created it in the first place.

The Core Pattern

You seek partners with strong compasses because they represent your “polar opposite”. That is the part you had to give up as a child—your ability to trust your own perceptions and stand by your decisions. Through these partners, you gain the temporary safety of external guidance and the relief of not having to trust your "unreliable" judgment. But your unconscious partner selection ensures failure: you specifically choose strong-minded people who can't entertain multiple perspectives, then blame them when they predictably can't meet that need. The moment you start to grow in your own opinions and decisions, you may discover that you're being controlled and manipulated all over again.