How It Started

From your earliest days, medical procedures and hospital stays shaped your childhood in ways other kids never experienced 🏥. Your body became territory that others could invade without permission—doctors, nurses, and medical staff making decisions about your physical form while you lay there helpless. Pain and vulnerability became routine, teaching your nervous system that your body wasn't yours to control. While other children played, you were learning the names of various body parts and medical procedures. You became a sum of different parts, rather than a whole person that others take for granted. You learned to see your body as fragile, unreliable, and always one step away from needing some part of it "fixed." You developed an extraordinary ability to dissociate and disconnect from physical pain—a survival skill that helped you navigate complex medical realities that would overwhelm other people 💪.

How It Shows Up

To this day, your relationship with your body remains fractured. Sometimes it feels like it fully belongs to you, other times it doesn't. One day you are oblivious to it, another day completely numb or staying on high alert to every sensation, but never quite feeling at home in your own skin. In your relationships, receiving physical touch requires conscious effort. Physical closeness can trigger split-second reactions you can't control ⚡️. You may struggle with secure attachment because those early experiences disrupted your natural ability to trust in life and yourself.

The Core Pattern

Intimacy may feel like a threat even when you want closeness. It may puzzle you that sometimes you have better sex with people you care little or none at all about. When you do want intimacy, you might find yourself suddenly going numb, spacing out, thinking of other things or pulling away when your body is naked. The heartbreak is that you've learned that with physical exposure comes complete powerlessness, not healthy vulnerability. For you, it's been a long road to recovery and you've gained back your safety, but intimacy and safety are sometimes strange bedfellows.